SA 1   [2-1] Okay, Melissa. We just sat down here and got wired up, and you just told me you had tons of therapy, and I said that's too bad cause what I do is a little different in some ways. And what I would like you to do is think about the question what changes you'de like to make today, and as you do thinking about that, I'll talk a little bit about how I work with people. Number one, I don't think that therapy is something you do to somebody else. I think of it more as education. And so I think about it mostly as teaching people how to use their brains. And some people's brains drive them nuts, and other people makes them creative and happy and so on, and another difference between what I do and a lot of therapy is that I don't really care how, [2-2] why things got the way they are. I'm more interested in how people have their problems or whatever is going on with them, and if I know enough about how things work, then we can make some little adjustments with your permission and do things, and that brings up another thing. That's perhaps the most important part of my little preamble here. That if at any time during this session, we have about 45 minutes, anything happens that you don't like or you have any concerns about, you just tell me, and we stop. And I might encourage you to continue, but under no circumstances am I interested in pushing you to do something you don't want to do.

CL 1    Okay.

SA 2    In fact, I am only interested in making changes that every part of you feels good about. It's really important, because otherwise the changes won't last. So, what kind of changes would you like to make today?

CL 2    I'm very angry.

SA 3    Angry.

CL 3    I have a lot of anger that I tend to explode at people.

SA 4    Okay.

CL 4    [2-3] I, I mean over stupid things. I can never slow myself down before I explode. I mean it's just this rage of anger.

SA 5    Okay. Now how do you get angry?

CL 5   Just over what, stupid things. Like I got angry yesterday because they wouldn't let me register for school . . .

SA 6   Yeah.

CL 6   . . . and I was yelling at this woman across the counter, and she was like ma'am I can't help you

SA 7   Okay, now, before you got to the yelling, what did you do inside your brain?

CL 7   I was, I was thinking of how angry I was and how this was so unfair and how can they do this to me.

SA 8   Okay. And how did it start? So, what happened? So, you came up with some papers or something?

CL 8   I came up with some papers, and they told me you cannot register because you have to take a prerequisite. And I'm like but this prerequisite I tested out of. I am in the class above that. And even though I haven't taken that class, I still should be able to take this class.

SA 9    Right.

CL 9   [2-4] And they were like well you have to go see a counselor, and I'm like, I'm not going to waste my time.

SA 10    Okay. But you were willing to waste your time being angry?

CL 10   Right. It's a habit.

SA 11   Okay, good. Well, see things that are habitual are wonderful because if something rolls off in a particular sequence, then if we change that the whole thing will be habitual throughout your life in other ways, too. Now you said something there about it's unfair.

CL 11    It's like I was, I was mad because it was like, it was like they were doing this purposely to me.

SA 12   Okay. So you were a targeted victim.

CL 12   Right.

SA 13   Right?

CL 13   But I know that's not true. But when I'm angry, you know . . .

SA 14    But how do you think about it? I mean when you go back to that moment where you go they are doing this intentionally. They are out to get me, or whatever was going on in there. How do you do that? How do you represent. What kind of picture do you make? What kind of voices do you have, or . . .

CL 14    [2-5] I don't know. It was just something inside me going I can't believe this is happening. I . . .

SA 15   I can't believe this is happening. Then just before that?

CL 15   Um, I was . . . I don't know. I don't know.

SA 16   Okay, well this is the key is to find out. Close your eyes. Go back to this thing where you're handing them the papers and they tell you how you need to have this prerequisite and you don't have it and so on. When does it first start? See, it is really important to get things right at the beginning because then you can send your brain in a whole different direction.

CL 16    As soon as the words came out of his mouth.

SA 17   So he said . . .

CL 17    You don't have this class. Let me go check with my boss to see if he can override it. And then when he walked away, I'm thinking . . .

SA 18   Yeah.

CL 18   [2-6] I can do this class. Don't tell me I can't do this class, and I was like, then it just kind of snowballed, and I was just like.

SA 19   Yeah, we want to catch the first little piece of the snowball.

CL 19   Right.

SA 20   So where does it start?

CL 20   Right after he said you can't do that.

SA 21   Okay, so what is the first thing that goes on in your mind?

CL 21   Yes, I can.

SA 22   Yes, I can.

CL 22   Yeah.

SA 23   Take the class.

CL 23   Yes. And then it was how, you know, I can't believe this. That's . . .

SA 24   That's never happened to you before?

CL 24   What? That I couldn't take a class, or . . .

SA 25   That you couldn't believe . . .

CL 25   No, it happens to me all the time.

SA 26   Exactly. So you could believe it, right?

CL 26   Right.

SA 27   But you said you couldn't believe it.

CL 27   I just get frustrated . . .

SA 28   Yeah.

CL 28   Oh I get tense.

SA 29   Yeah.

CL 29   Right now I'm getting angry cause I don't know what to even, how to explain it.

SA 30   [2-7] Okay. Can you tell me a little more about what is going on there? If we can really get the, really beginning of the snowball, that's what would be most useful. I mean there are several things I can do even knowing what I already know. Ah, because there are certain presuppositions around anger one of which you mentioned. That they're doing this intentionally, right?

CL 30   Right.

SA 31   Did you say something like that to yourself?

CL 31   No, I just . . . I was like . . .

SA 32   Or is that a little later?

CL 32   That was later. That was after away. I was like I can't believe they are doing this to me. How could they do this?

SA 33   Okay, so you definitely had the sense of them doing it to you.

CL 33   Right.

SA 34   It wasn't just the bureaucracy and this is the rules and you just have to find your way through the rules, right? You didn't see it that way?

CL 34   Mm mm.

SA 35   So how did you see it?

CL 35   [2-8] That I worked really hard to get out of high school early. I was a straight A student, and I took pre-calculus. That's the class I need to take, pre-calculus. And I took it in high school. The class I want to take is physics. I took it in high school. I can do these classes.

SA 36   Right.

CL 36   I've passed these classes.

SA 37   Right.

CL 37   And now that I want to take them at a college level, all I want to do it go look at my transcripts, look at the classes I've taken before.

SA 38   Right.

CL 38   I'm a good student.

SA 39   Right.

CL 39   Bend the rules.

SA 40   Okay.

CL 40   And it was like, no you have to go see a counselor, and I'm like . . .

SA 41   Well, you know bureaucracies are like that.

CL 41   Yeah, but I can't stand that.

SA 42   Well, see, you have a choice, though. Given that bureaucracies are like that and you are probably going to find this, this is going to happen again. And it's happened before. You mentioned this happens a lot of times, right?

CL 42   Yeah.

SA 43   It's like the inherent stupidity of the world suddenly puts itself in your face . . .

CL 43   Yeah.

SA 44   Right?

CL 44   Yeah.

SA 45   So the question is how would you like to respond to this?

CL 45   I don't want to blow up at people.

SA 46   Yeah.

CL 46   I don't like to do it.

SA 47   Okay, so now. If I got on a bus here and I said I don't want to go to Milwaukee, and I don't want to go to New Orleans, and I don't want to go to San Francisco, how would the bus driver know where to take me?

CL 47   [2-9] Unless you tell him.

SA 48   Yeah. So where would you like to go. What would you like to do different, rather than blow up?

CL 48   Tell people what the problem is. Tell them . . .

SA 49   Okay, would you like to feel calm about it?

CL 49   Yeah.

SA 50   Then realize, you know, there's a lot of stupidity in the world. There're a lot of rules, right?

CL 50   I hate stupid people.

SA 51   Well, I don't find them as pleasant as others myself, but they do exist.

CL 51   Yeah.

SA 52   And the question is would you rather get up, blow up and make a big mess of things or would you like to find your way through the system?

CL 52   Find my way through the system.

SA 53   [2-10] Okay. So how would you like to feel about this? What do you say to yourself, or how could you think about this so that when confronted with bureaucracy and no you can't do that and so on and so and so, you just go, "Oh, tell me more," or something like that. Tell me what I need to do and feel calm and so on and find your way through the system. Is that going to be okay?

CL 53   But that's going to be hard, yeah.

SA 54   Do you think it is going to be harder than blowing up and getting angry?

CL 54   No, it's going to be hard to stop myself from blowing up and . . .

SA 55   Okay. And what would make it hard?

CL 55   Because it's this habit, it's this form.

SA 56   Well, what we can do here is build you a new habit.

CL 56   Okay.

SA 57   It will run off just the way you want it, just as repetitively and just as 100% as the habit you've already got. Would that be alright with you?

CL 57   Yeah.

SA 58   Are you interested in doing that?

CL 58   Yeah.

SA 59   Okay. How would you like to be able to respond in this situation? Think about it a little bit. Go back to this particular one. It's always good to have a particular thing that we deal with. And then we can always generalize to other examples of the same kind of thing.

CL 59   [2-11] I think I would have liked to have said okay, I understand. I will go talk to the counselor.

SA 60   Okay.

CL 60   Thank you very much. Instead of saying I can't believe . . .

SA 61   Yeah, an outrage.

CL 61   I mean because it wasn't the person's fault.

SA 62   Yeah, they are just part of the system, right?

CL 62   Right.

SA 63   So there in fact you are acting like you are being targeted, right? And here is this poor guy and you are targeting him.

CL 63   I know.

SA 64   And he's just part of the system.

CL 64   I know.

SA 65   I can't believe you'd be that kind of person.

CL 65   I am.

SA 66   [2-12] Okay. Now. Close your mind, ah, excuse me. Close your eyes and go back to . . . So you imagine we reroll the same movie again only this time when you hand over the papers or whatever it was and he tells you you can't register and so on, just, you don't have to tell me anything about it just tell me how it goes as you imagine doing that, being calm, and just saying okay. Who do I need to talk to about this, or whatever, whatever is satisfying for you.

CL 66   Okay.

SA 67   How does that work?

CL 67   I say "Okay, thank you," and then you know I walk away.

SA 68   Okay.

CL 68   I could, I could see that, but I don't think I could ever do that.

SA 69   Okay. Now, let's do another piece then. But that would be satisfying for you right? If you could do that you would be happy, right?

CL 69   Yeah.

SA 70   Now let's double check. Close your eyes, and ask inside, is there any part of me that would have any objection to dealing with this kind of situation in this way. And just be sensitive to any feeling or any voice or any picture that might come up or any part of you that might object, have any objection to this.

CL 70   [2-13] Yeah.

SA 71   Okay.

CL 71   There's a part.

SA 72   And what's the objection?

CL 72   That it's, it's their fault and since they're the one to blame . . .

SA 73   Oh, you want to blame somebody.

CL 73   Yeah. I want to yell at somebody. I want to scream.

SA 74   What does, what does blaming do for you, blaming somebody else.

CL 74   It makes people see what they did wrong.

SA 75   Well, they're just following the rules. What did they do wrong?

CL 75   I don't want to just talk about that situation. I'm talking about everything. Other instances.

SA 76   Okay, now you'd like them to understand that there could be a different way of doing things that would be more respectful of you.

CL 76   Right.

SA 77   Is that right? Is that a good way of saying it?

CL 77   Mm mm.

SA 78   Okay. Do you think they are going to listen to you better if you blow up and get outraged at them or if you were calm?

CL 78   If I was calm.

SA 79   [2-14] I think so. So if you really want to change your bureaucracy or if you want to change some situation. Let's say somebody is disrespectful of you, wouldn't it actually be easier if you could just be calm and centered and self-composed and say "Look, I didn't like what you did. That doesn't fit for me. I want you to change it."

CL 79   But they don't listen. They never listen.

SA 80   Sometimes they won't listen. Do you think they're going to listen better is you're angry or if you're calm?

CL 80   Well, how 'bout if I start off calm but then I get angry if they don't listen?

SA 81   You can always get angry. You're good at that, and you know how to do that, right? We're not into taking away choices here.

CL 81   Okay.

SA 82   You can always get angry later. And sometimes anger gets people to notice you. But, you know, there are other times when people just say well they are just angry, and so they are just blowing it off and they just say well it's because she is so emotional. You know how women are.

CL 82   Yeah.

SA 83   That stuff. You've probably gotten that once in a while.

CL 83   Yeah. Right.

SA 84   [2-15] Okay. So, now check again. Ask if that part, given that part wants to be able to get angry if it wants to some time later. Do you have any objection to having this as a general new program or a general new pattern to deal with such situations?

CL 84   No.

SA 85   Because you know, I have a hunch, I know it's true for me. That if I were in one of those official's positions and someone starts yelling at me, it will tend to harden my position. I'll go well "It's in the rule book here, I can't do anything, sorry." Because I want to get rid or you as soon as I can. But if you were calm with me and said well, this is the situation and I took this in high school and so on and so on and lay out whatever the reasons are, I would be much more inclined, I think, I know I would be and I think most people would be much more inclined to bend the rules or to try and find a way around the rules or something like that.

CL 85   Okay.

SA 86   [2-16] Does that make sense?

CL 86   Yeah.

SA 87   I think it's true. But, check for yourself. Close your eyes again and think about running through one of those situations, and ah . . .

CL 87   Same situation or any situation?

SA 88   Well, take the same one and then take another one. (Pause) Okay? There is one?

CL 88   Yeah.

SA 89   Good, what is it? See, the only way we can make a change that will stick is if all parts of you are happy. If there's any part of you that says oh I don't like that or it will mess up with something that I want to have happen, then it won't last. So we really need to get all the objections and satisfy them all. So what's this one?

CL 89   The other situation?

SA 90   [2-17] The other objection. No you don't have to tell me the situation. In fact, that's another thing I should have mentioned about this is usually we can work mostly without content.

CL 90   Okay.

SA 91   So we don't need details and names and places and deeds and stuff like that.

CL 91   Okay.

SA 92   So you tried it in another situation, and there was some objection there.

CL 92   No, there was no objection. I could clearly see how I would have gotten a benefit or more out of it. . .

SA 93   Well, I misinterpreted your impression.

CL 93   Calmed down.

SA 94   You had this kind of wry look on your face, and I thought, oh, another objection. Great. Well try another one. Think of another one. (Pause) Would it work better there too?

CL 94   In all of them, I can . . . All of these situations from the past that I've, you know gotten so angry . . .

SA 95   Blown up.

CL 95   Yeah, I could of . . . I guess it's like I want them to understand. Don't you understand what I'm going through? Don't you understand I'm having problems? Understand. And the only way . . .

SA 96   You thought by yelling at them . . .

CL 96   Yeah.

SA 97   . . . you could make them understand?

CL 97   [2-18] Yeah. This is how I feel. This is how angry I feel. Okay, understand.

SA 98   Yeah. I think it works better the other way around.

CL 98   Yeah. I'm starting to see that too.

SA 99   Okay, great. Now let's do a little thing that will help sort of program this into your mind and make it really easy for your, okay?

CL 99   Okay.

SA 100   Think about what you would see the first time, well take these three examples that you just did. So was it see or hear. Actually said you can't do that. Is that a key thing? Someone saying "You can't do that?"

CL 100   No. Just the context.

SA 101   What's common to all those three?

CL 101   Somebody preventing me from doing something.

SA 102   Someone's preventing you from doing something. Someone's blocking you in some way.

CL 102   Right.

SA 103   [2-19] Okay, great. And how do you think about a block like that, someone's preventing you? Is there any kind of image or words or anything?

CL 103   Um, the thing that comes to mind right off the bat is, "Too bad. Deal with it."

SA 104   Tough.

CL 104   Live with it.

SA 105   Tough luck and just kind of shrug and dismissal. Is that part of it?

CL 105   Yes.

SA 106   Because when you did it just now it was kind of a little toss of the head. Like tough luck, right?

CL 106   Yeah.

SA 107   Okay, good. Okay. Now let me shift gears here. I was going to do one thing and I might do something else. And then we'll have time to do some other things. Let's, let's think of a future situation in which this might happen. Can you imagine a future possibility? Maybe with somebody who's bugged you in the past or something like that?

CL 107   Yeah.

SA 108   [2-20] Run through a future possibility. Close your eyes. Just imagine somebody blocks you in that way and says "Tough luck," or whatever. This is a road test.

CL 108   I'm angry.

SA 109   You're angry.

CL 109   I'm angry.

SA 110   Okay. And what does the angry part want for you?

CL 110   It wants me to hurt that person like they hurt me.

SA 111   Okay. So there's hurt underneath this?

CL 111   Yeah.

SA 112   Blocking you? What's the root of that? Does this come from a long time ago being hurt in this way.

CL 112   About a month ago.

SA 113   A month ago. So is there a particular person who hurt you in this way?

CL 113   My ex.

SA 114   Your ex. Great. Let's do a different thing then. Would you be interested in reaching forgiveness with this person?

CL 114   I didn't do anything wrong.

SA 115   [2-21] No, I know. I believe you. And forgiveness isn't for the other person. It's for you. So that you wouldn't have to be, have the feelings of hurt or anger or resentment or revenge.

CL 115   Right.

SA 116   Is that anything that would be of interest to you?

CL 116   I want to let it go.

SA 117   You'd like to let it go?

CL 117   Bugging me every day.

SA 118   Okay. Yeah, that's the problem with it, and that's, that's why forgiveness is particularly useful in situations like this. Okay, I need a little more information then. When you think of this person, where is the image located? How far away and so on. Tell me more about this image. I don't mean content, I mean like how far away is it? Is it big or small?

CL 118   It's about right there.

SA 119   Okay about this far away. Okay, about here. And how tall, how big? Life size, small?

CL 119   Life size.

SA 120   So, it's like he is standing right here. Okay, and is there any voices to it?

CL 120   [2-22] Mhmh.

SA 121   And I don't want to, I don't need the content, but is it like strident, angry, calm, peaceful?

CL 121   Yelling and screaming.

SA 122   Yelling and screaming. All good stuff like that. Okay. Now, can you think of someone who harmed you in the past but you have forgiven them?

CL 122   Yes.

SA 123   How do you represent that person?

CL 123   My mom.

SA 124   Okey, and where is . . . And when you think of your mom whom you've forgiven, where is she? Is she in the same location as someone different in your personal space?

CL 124   She's closer.

SA 125   She's closer? Okay. Where?

CL 125   I don't know. I'd say maybe right next to me.

SA 126   Okay? Right here?

CL 126   Yeah.

SA 127   [2-23] Close to you? And I hear your voice change. So its really a softness there, right?

CL 127   Yeah.

SA 128   So I believe that you have forgiven her. Some people they've sort of forgiven but not, but I hear in your voice that you really have forgiven her. There is a softness and a warmth there, right? Okay great. Now. Here is the hard part. This was the easy part, lead into the hard part with lots of warning. If you want to forgive this person here, one way to do it is to represent him over here close and so on in the same way that you represent your mom. Now, I'm not sure I am willing to do that now. Most people are, right?

CL 128   Yeah.

SA 129   Okay. Now what are your objections? We're playing the objections game.

CL 129   I hate him.

SA 130   For what he did.

CL 130   I hate him for lying.

SA 131   Okay.

CL 131   I hate him for the way I was treated.

SA 132   Okay.

CL 132   [2-24] And yeah, that's about it.

SA 133   Okay. Now this may take a little while to get this understanding across, but the first think I want to mention is I see you had some warm feelings for this person as well. Okay? But he violated some of your values in ways that are very important for you to maintain, right?

CL 133   Yeah.

SA 134   Now, how long did you know this person?

CL 134   Eight months.

SA 135   Eight months. So you knew him pretty well.

CL 135   I thought I did.

SA 136   Well, now you know him better.

CL 136   Yeah.

SA 137   Not in the way you wanted.

CL 137   No.

SA 138   But now you know him better. Usually in blame there's the presupposition that he could have done differently.

CL 138   Yeah.

SA 139   [2-25] Now, I think maybe with some therapy or with some knock alongside the head or something like that he could probably do differently.

CL 139   Probably.

SA 140   But at this time he was who he was, he did what he did, and you needed to maintain your values. Whatever went on violated your values, right? And you needed to says this is it. Can you understand that he couldn't have done any different than he did?

CL 140   No.

SA 141   Okay. Let me try, can you think of some time in the past when you harmed someone else? Maybe totally unintentionally or whatever, and now looking back on it I assume you have some regret. Am I right?

CL 141   Yes.

SA 142   Now at the moment that you harmed them, could you have done anything different?

CL 142   Yeah.

SA 143   [2-26] I don't think so. This is part of self forgiveness, but I have the idea, crazy or not, that everybody always does the best they can given their knowledge, given their background, given their habits, their economics, and so on and so and so. People make the best choices they can at the time. And I think that you made the best choice you could at that time given what you knew at that moment even though it resulted in harming someone.

CL 143   Yeah.

SA 144   Is that true? Does that make sense to you? And at that moment in time, maybe ten seconds later you go oh, I could have done different. But at that moment you made the best choice you could. Now I don't know what kind of fears this person had or what kind of insecurities or what led this person to lie to you, but I would believe that if he were in the room here we could find out what led him to think that that was the best choice that he could make in that situation.

CL 144   I already know what it is.

SA 145   Do you? So you have some understanding? Some compassion?

CL 145   Some compassion.

SA 146   Yeah.

CL 146   [2-27] But I still hate him.

SA 147   Well, he still did something that hurt you. The question is whether you're willing to let go, what we could do or say to make that possible for you.

CL 147   Honestly one part of me doesn't want to let it go for fear that if I ever see him again . . .

SA 148   That you would be susceptible again?

CL 148   No that I'd just want to be you know what, I don't forgive you. I hate you, I can't believe you did this. There is that revenge thing. But, then there is part of me that wants to let it go.

SA 149   Okay. Now what would revenge do for you?

CL 149   Make me feel better.

SA 150   [2-28] Make you feel better. I'd like you to feel better. I don't think revenge is the best way to do it. It's a way. Now tell me, tell me this. Close your eyes, and go into wild revenge fantasies. What would you do if you were totally omnipotent and you had all the power in the world and you could take revenge on this guy and beat him to a bloody pulp or whatever. How would that make you feel?

CL 150   Like I won.

SA 151   Oh, so would you feel stronger?

CL 151   No, I'd say I feel equal.

SA 152   Equal. So you feel unequal now?

CL 152   I want him to feel the hurt that I felt.

SA 153   Yeah. And that would make you feel equal?

CL 153   Yes.

SA 154   [2-29] Is there any other way that you could feel equal to him or even superior? Because you know forgiveness is something that not many people can accomplish. It takes a good deal of strength of character and compassion and a lot of human qualities. (Pause) No sale?

CL 154   No sale.

SA 155   No sale. Well, you might have to go on feeling grumpy and angry at the rest of the world which isn't quite fair to them. I mean he wasn't fair to you. I guess fairness is a big thing for you, right? It is for me too. Now I want to tell you a story about Milton Erickson. Have you heard of him? He was a great medical hypnotist and great therapist.

CL 155   Probably in Psych 101 I have.

SA 156   [2-30] He was, he was a doctor in a mental hospital, and he was doing regular physical exams of the various staff and the patients and also the candy stripers, the assistants, the young women who were helping out. And he examined this 75 year old alcoholic who had been a trouble to the world for most of his years and probably would live another twenty years. The guy was in good health, and he examined him and sent him out and then he examined a candy striper, 16, and he looked into her eyes with the little gadgets and so on, and he found unmistakable signs of a fatal disease, and she would only live six months. And he had to leave the room to get his composure, and as he says it, he says he went out and he said get this through your head Erickson. Life is not fair. Before he could come in and he had to tell this young woman that she had six months to live. [2-31] Now that doesn't stop us from trying to be as fair as we can, and do the best we can in our relationship to be fair and to be honest, but life is fundamentally not fair. Look around you. Some people are in wheelchairs. Some people aren't here. Does that make any difference in your understanding of this person over here? Probably life wasn't fair to him either.

CL 156   Yeah, I know.

SA 157   Close your eyes. Stay with that feeling for a little while. Now there's one other piece that I'm sure would be very important here before you would be willing to forgive him. [2-32] You would need to be protected because if you forgave him, you might be tempted to go back with him on the same basis that you were before, and then you would be vulnerable to the same kind of treatment again. Does that make sense to you? So you would need to feel assured in yourself that, if you forgave him, you would need to have some kind of resolution about I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry he had to be who he was and so on, but that's not what I want in my life or something like that so that you would be safe because sometimes, I mean this happens all the time in battered women and stuff. They forgive their husbands. They go right back in. They get beat up again. You don't want that, right? You . . . Do you have a sense, if you close your eyes and imagine going in the future and imagine that you felt the same toward him as you do towards your mother. Do you feel safe? Is there any danger?

CL 157   [2-33] There's that danger that I would go back.

SA 158   Okay. And what could we do here that would make that no longer a danger? That you might recognize . . . For instance, I'm just going to talk on a little while and you do whatever you want to. But if you have in your mind clearly here is a person that had many qualities that I liked. We had many good times together, but lying is just, it's a no-no. I don't like that. I don't want that to be a part of my life, and unless I was totally assured that that absolutely would not happen in the future, I just don't want to have, I could talk to this person, I can say hello, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with this person. Is there any kind of arrangements like that that you could make inside yourself so that if you go into the future and you think about being with this person without hate and without anger that you would still be safe from any kind of future repetitions of that?

CL 158   [2-34] Yeah.

SA 159   Okay. Close your eyes. Go into the future, and imagine that you've done that. And you meet him on campus or wherever you would be likely to meet him and just road test what we've done here. What is it like being with him? Is it easy for you to maintain whatever distance is important to you or whatever protection?

CL 159   Yeah. I can, I can do it.

SA 160   But. I hear a but in your voice.

CL 160   But it's like I put on this, this front, you know, of being happy and . .

SA 161   [2-35] Okay. No, that, I don't recommend this. Can you do it another way? Can you . . . In here you've expressed some compassion for him, right? What if you talked to him like that. What if you told him about how badly he hurt you but in a voice that was not angry and blaming but just talking about yourself? Just to let him know because that's important to you, isn't it? To let him know that? But in such a way that you are telling him about yourself not blaming him. Saying "Look, when you lied to me, whatever it was, blah, blah, blah, boy that was like a knife in my heart." or however you would describe it. So that he could know what an impact he's having on the world. (Pause) My guess is you would like to protect somebody else from this wouldn't you?

CL 161   Yeah.

SA 162   [2-36] In the future if he's with somebody else. Would you want them to go through the same thing you went through? So you'd like to have an impact on him, right? Even if you never see him again. Wouldn't it be nice if you could say hey, that didn't work for me. That hurt like hell or whatever your words would be. And make him understand that what he did didn't fit for you.

CL 162   I think I can do it.

SA 163   Okay. Imagine in your mind. Close your eyes. Imagine doing that with him. Notice how he responds? Notice where the conversation goes. You be clear that your central focus is on letting him know your experience because if you start blaming him he will probably just get uptight and turn away or disappear. But if you are just there telling him how you feel there's a chance that he'd listen. I can't guarantee it. [2-37] (Pause) How does that go when you try that?

CL 163   He blames me. That the reason he was the way he was because of things that I did.

SA 164   Okay. Is there even a kernel of truth in there? Okay. Can you tell him that? "There's a kernel of truth in there." Tell him how whatever your understanding of your part, your part in this and just see how that goes in your imaginary conversation with him. (Pause) [2-38] How does that go?

CL 164   I explained to him I realize that I, I did some horrible things . . .

SA 165   Okay.

CL 165   . . . but that does not justify the way that I was treated in the end.

SA 166   Yeah. That's clear.

CL 166   That I deserved better than what was given to me.

SA 167   Sure. And given what we've done so far, are you willing to consider representing him in the same way that you are representing your mother so that you can have those feelings of forgiveness? I think there might be a piece or two missing, but this is how we find out.

CL 167   [2-39] I think I could forgive him.

SA 168   Okay.

CL 168   And then he could be like my mom, the way I view her.

SA 169   With faults, with limitations. Like all of us doing the best we can. Your doing the best you can aren't you? He is too. But sometimes it stinks. You understand the distinction? You know, there are people all over the world doing the best they can and sometimes it's just terrible, but they are trying hard, and some people come into the world with great limitations. Some people become limited by experiences that happened to them. Try it out, because anytime, we can always shift back. Imagine that you take that image of him and move it over here into the same position as your mother, the same size, if there's any special lighting or anything like that. [2-40] Make it the same. (Pause) It will be a little weird at first probably. If you have objections, send him back out here again and we'll deal with objections.

CL 169   I'm scared.

SA 170   Scared. Good. Of what? Some vulnerability? Can you say a little bit about it?

CL 170   I'm scared, scared that he would say . . .

SA 171   Special things to you that would get you back into it?

CL 171   Yeah.

SA 172   What could protect you from that? From that vulnerability?

CL 172   Remembering how I felt before.

SA 173   Remembering the good times and the good feelings. [2-41] Well there's another possibility, and that is that if you're very clear with him, what is totally out of your world that you simply will not permit that you might try getting back to together again. But you would need to be very careful. You need to be able to protect yourself from a repetition.

CL 173   I don't want it.

SA 174   You don't want that.

CL 174   No.

SA 175   Okay. Then what arrangements can you make inside your own mind so that you're totally safe with that. That you can see this person that you had very special times with and treasure those good feelings, those good times, but it's not enough for you. You deserve better.

CL 175   What can I do?

SA 176   [2-42] Internally. You've make a lot of internal shifts already and they're very lovely. What could you say to yourself or how could you think about him? How could you be very clear? It is more a matter of congruence, of being very congruent in yourself that despite the good times you had with this person and that this particular element of his personality or behavior you don't want that to be a part of this kind of relationship. You deserve better. So that you can be very clear with him and not be vulnerable to falling back in and being mistreated again.

CL 176   I would just, I know that he's never going to change.

SA 177   Well, you can't really know that. You don't have a fortune teller license do you?

CL 177   No.

SA 178   I don't.

CL 178   I just . . .

SA 179   You don't . . . At this moment you don't think he will change.

CL 179   Right.

SA 180   Great.

CL 180   There is just certain qualities . . .

SA 181   You may have very good reason to be correct.

CL 181   I tried for eight months.

SA 182   [2-43] Yeah, so knowing that, can you be very clear that if you see this person in the future and you're with him, you can treasure the good times and know very, very clearly, "Nope. No further. "

CL 182   Yeah.

SA 183   Can you do that?

CL 183   Yeah.

SA 184   Okay. Take it for a test drive. Close your eyes. Imagine being with this person. (Pause) Work?

CL 184   Yeah.

SA 185   Okay, now let's try again. Let's bring him in again. See you need that protection before you can do forgiveness. But forgiveness is very, very healing. It can take away all that anger and resentment and hurt and so on. [2-44] If you can represent him the way you do your mom and be safe, protect yourself and protect your values. (Pause) That looks good to me.

CL 185   Yeah.

SA 186   You look relaxed. That's a nice soft smile now.

CL 186   I just, I realize that my mom had her faults and that my mom is always going to have certain faults.

SA 187   They might change.

CL 187   Right.

SA 188   There might be different ones.

CL 188   But I'm gonna, I accept her for who she is.

SA 189   Yeah, exactly.

CL 189   And that's what I can see myself doing with him.

SA 190   And I have faults, and you have faults. And we are all human. And our time is almost up. Do you have any comments you would like to make or any questions?

CL 190   I want to, I want try it out.

SA 191   Sure.

CL 191   [2-45] In reality.

SA 192   That's the place to really test drive it. Absolutely. Try it out.

CL 192   Yeah.

SA 193   Can you imagine trying it out in a way where you are safe such as you're with other people or something so you could always grab somebody else by the arm and say get me out of here.

CL 193   Yeah.

SA 194   Or something like that so you have a sort of a second layer of protection. Now if you go back to the original thing. The, the thing at the . . .

CL 194   School?

SA 195   The school thing. What's it like if you go back and do that because that's where we started?

CL 195   It's calm.

SA 196   No problem?

CL 196   Just stating "Okay. Is there anyway around this?" "No there is not you have to do this." "Okay, thank you very much. Have a nice day." Yeah.

SA 197   [2-46] It looks good I mean looking at your body. You're moving and everything. It's comfortable right? Now try one. . . you'd imagined two or three other incidents where you had gotten angry in the past. Go back to them now. Just, just run them without any particular intention. Just see how they unfold by themselves.

CL 197   I can see myself with my father yelling. Him yelling and screaming at me, and in the past I would yell and scream back.

SA 198   Right back, yeah. Which gives him a great excuse to yell more at you, right?

CL 198   Yeah, I know. But I, I could see myself actually saying okay, you know. Alright I understand or you know not getting tense. I was calm.

SA 199   Great, great. Is that good?

CL 199   It's a weird feeling though.

SA 200   It's unfamiliar isn't it?

CL 200   Yeah.

SA 201   [2-47] Okay now, I want to check on one thing. You said you could see yourself being calm. Were you like looking at yourself on TV or were you actually back in there with your father facing you.

CL 201   I was back in there with my father face to face.

SA 202   I thought you were probably doing that the way, by your behaving, but I wanted to check because sometimes people see it over there. It doesn't work in reality.

CL 202   No I've actually be standing, I could see for instance standing there and just calm, cool, relaxed.

SA 203   Alright.

CL 203   Thank you.

SA 204   Thank you. That's just delightful. Do you have any other questions? We've about a minute left maybe.

CL 204   No. That's it. What do I do if it doesn't work?

SA 205   Call me up.

CL 205   Okay.

SA 206   Yeah, I'll give you my phone number. I'm serious. Sometimes there is a little piece missing. This looks really good to me, and I don't know if you were tracking what we are doing, but repeatedly I would ask for objections and problems, and we'd try something out. Well, it didn't quite do it, and you tried the one thing out and you were being nicey nice on the outside, but rrrrr inside. So, but we kept working it over and kept improving what we were doing. [2-48] So my guess is it'll work just fine. But it's always possible that some part or you is kind of hiding out and kind of thinking well I think that will work. And then when it comes to the situation it's like uh uh.

CL 206   So I should get that comfort feeling? I should play it over in my head before?

SA 207   You shouldn't need to do anything.

CL 207   I should just go in there and wing it.

SA 208   Just go in there and wing it.

CL 208   Okay, I can do it.

SA 209   I think you can. Thanks a lot.

CL 209   Thank you.

SA 210   I think we are done.

Steve Andreas, M.A., has been studying and teaching NLP for over 20 years. He has edited and has written several books, including Virginia Satir: The Patterns of Her Magic. He has also coauthored several books with Connirae Andreas, including Heart of the Mind and Change Your Mind -- Keep the Change.

BOOKS AND ARTICLES:

• Andreas, C. & Andreas, S. Core transformation. (1994). Newark, CA: Real People Press.
• Andreas, S. April, 1998. Forgiveness. http://www.nlpcomprehensive.com/articles/articles.html (This article describes the process Steve uses in the session on this tape.)
• Andreas, S. 1991. Virginia Satir: The patterns of her magic. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books.
• Andreas, S. & Andreas, C. Heart of the mind. (1990). Newark, CA: Real People Press.
• Bandler, R. & Grinder, J. (1981). Frogs into Princes.
• Bandler, R. & Grinder, J. (1989) ReFraming: Neurolinguistic Programming and the transformation of meaning.
• Grinder, J. & Bandler, R. (1980). The structure of magic I & II. NY: Science and Behavior Books.
• Chavart, S. R. Words that change minds. Mastering the language of influence. (1995). Dubuque, IA: Kendall/Hunt Publishing Company.
• Dilts, R. & Epstein, T. Tools for dreamers. (1991). Capitola, CA: Meta Publications.
• Dilts, R. Changing belief systems with NLP. (1990). Capitola, CA: Meta Publications.
• McLaughlin, L. Advanced language pattern mastery. (1993). Aurora, CO: Leading Edge Press.
• O'Conner, J. & Seymour, J. (1994). Introducing NLP. (Rev. Ed.). San Francisco, CA: Thorsons.
• O'Conner, J. & Seymour, J. (1996). Principles of NLP. (Rev. Ed.). San Francisco, CA: Thorsons.

The Andreas website is http://www.nlpcomprehensive.com/
For additional training information and a comprehensive book list: http://www.nlpca.com.

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